


The A.M.

by femdaegu



Category: K-pop, NCT (Band), NCT Dream
Genre: Emotional, Fluff and Angst, M/M, soft
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-10
Updated: 2018-05-25
Packaged: 2019-04-20 22:29:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14270877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/femdaegu/pseuds/femdaegu
Summary: A story in which a young insomniac named Jaemin wanders around the streets of Beijing every night and somehow always ends up at another boy's door at 2 am.





	1. Meeting.

1:45 am. 

Jaemin couldn’t stop staring at the clock. The longer he stared the uglier the numbers looked; he could feel himself shrinking into his own skin as the seconds ticked by. 

1:47 am. 

All he wanted was sleep. A good nap. A decent moment to let his eyelids finally droop closed and stay that way for as long as possible. But even he couldn’t lie to himself like that. He’s been this way for as long as he could remember and it felt like it was growing worse every day. 

1:50 am. 

Frustrated, he sat up and rolled off his bed. His eyes quickly adjusted to the darkness of his room as he lazily made his way to his bedroom door. 

1:51 am. 

He turned around one last time and glanced at the mocking numbers that shone through the blackness. 

“Time for a walk.” he muttered to himself, taking a step out of his bedroom before forcing himself to walk down the short hall towards the front door. 

A voice broke his steps; a voice all to familiar. A voice he really didn’t want to hear right now. 

“Jaemin,” the voice harshly whispered. “Where are you going?”

Without turning around, he responded, “For a walk.” 

Mark’s eyes widened in the dark as if he hadn’t heard that too many times. 

“It’s literally-“

“2 am? I know. Are you surprised?” 

That shut Mark right up. Jaemin had a way of getting what he wanted from the older boy without much effort. Mark was just weak. 

“Okay. Be safe.” 

And off Jaemin went. 

~ 

No cars. No lights. No people. Fresh air and space to think; just what Jaemin needed. His feet carried him wherever they wanted to go and without question, Jaemin agreed. His eyes were half closed but his mind was wondering from topic to topic. None of them ever stuck though, if you asked him what he was just thinking about he wouldn’t be able to tell you. 

His gaze continued to fall upon lamp posts and broken neon signs but nothing ever registered to him. He was tired. All he ever wanted to do was sleep and dream of what he could never have. It was a constant ache had become accustomed to.

The warm bustling sounds of Beijing were alien to him. He didn’t even understand what he was doing in China anyways; it was like he somehow landed here with no money and no common sense. Every time he wondered what his purpose in this country was he began to think of the past and his muscles seemed to tense up as if they were going to save him from a fatal blow.

After several minutes of mindless wandering, he approached a stocky building near a street he had never seen before. He could barely make out the front doors but he decided not to question it much. His feet hit the pavement one by one making a pattern of slaps against the concrete. 

He finally made it to the front door and reached out to pry it open, a gust of chilling air hitting him almost immediately. Still he never raised an eyebrow or even bats his eye. 

His feet were ahead of him. His mind lagged almost 20 seconds behind the bottom portion of his body as he made his way past the vacant front desk and up some creaky steps to the second level.

All the while he thought about how beautiful the moon was. He thought about how his mother would have loved to see it with him at this time, if she ever came back. He wondered how his family was holding up and if they ever missed him the way he did. It hurt to think about and it felt to him like a nail was being pushed deeper into his heart every time he thought about it. But he never stopped. Every night his mind wandered to family and friends and the way he used to be happy before he had to grow up and be on his own. People would tell him he had Mark but that didn’t count to him. Mark was just his roommate, nothing more nothing less. He’s was just a heterosexual boy who thought he was better than he actually was and Jaemin never hesitated to tell him so.

By the time he stopped thinking about Mark and family and sad memories he had reached a door. The paint was chipped in some places and it looked as if it could withstand anything. The knob was made of shining brass and he could see faint finger prints from where the last person touched it.

At first he didn’t know what to do. Should he knock? Should he stand there? Should he just go home and forget he was even here? He didn’t even have a say in that because he was already knocking. 

His body became tense. What was he doing? He brought his hands up to his face and rubbed the base of his palms against his tired eyes, muttering a small curse. The person living in this apartment would be asleep and there’s no way they would even think to—

“Hello?” 

Jaemin froze. His hands began to shake like they did when he had coffee withdrawals and he slowly raised his head to peek up at the owner of the soft spoken voice. It was something much different from Marks and he couldn’t tell if he liked it or was just having hallucinations.

Finally, he opened his mouth and muttered, “Hello.” 

The other boy’s eyes expanded in confusion and fear, as if he had never seen such a sight in his life. Maybe it was the way the skin under Jaemin’s eyes sagged or how his hair was sticking up every which way from under his hoodie that made him so intriguing to look at. It was like the boy was staring at a train wreck and just couldn’t look away. 

Jaemin decided to break the silence, “I just kinda ended up here. Sorry.” he muttered a few more apologies as the boy backed up from his door, eyes squinting at Jaemin’s frame. The shorter boy knocked into a table, letting out a sharp hiss at the sudden pain before quickly recovering and fumbling for the home phone on the nearby shelf. 

“What are you doing?” Jaemin croaked.

“Calling the police.” The boy replied.

Jaemin let out a soft snort, shaking his head as his wide and easy smile shown upon his face. It was then that he found himself strolling casually into the stranger’s home. His eyes glanced around an took in his new surroundings; the wonderfully drawn pictures taped up on worn walls, the record player propped up against a lonely wall and the warm feeling the room seemed to emit.

“You could have just closed the door you know,” he remarked after a few more minutes. 

“Wha—don’t touch that!” the boy ran forward, knocking the phone receiver off the counter entirely as he snatched a sad looking flower vase from Jaemin’s hands. “Is there something I can help you with? It’s really late; don’t you have to be somewhere right now? Like… at home?”

The boy looked frantic as he stood several steps away from Jaemin. Somehow he knew the insomniac was harmless but it still spooked him a bit to know he was in his house like this. 

Jaemin shrugged slightly, his dazed eyes meandering around the rest of the room before falling upon the boy. He looked about his age but much healthier. Jaemin thought he looked like the kind of being he could only wish to be; it made him envious. He also found it kind of funny how he looked so startled and like he was going to grow a pair of wings and fly away if Jaemin made even the smallest move.  
So to ease his tense nature, Jaemin smiled. He smiled as wide as his mouth would allow and it even felt genuine. It was weird to feel this comfortable in a place he had never seen or heard of before but he did it without really thinking. 

And then he asked him a question, “What’s your name?” 

The boy stuttered for a couple of seconds before replying with a broken tone, “Renjun. I-I’m Renjun.” 

Jaemin laughed to himself. It was a nice name, he thought. It had a certain ring to it that he enjoyed and he knew he wouldn’t mind saying it a million times. 

“Renjun. That’s nice. I like that.” 

The older boy was about to ask him the same question when a groggy whine rung out behind him. Bare feet slapped against the wood of the hallway before stopping right where the carpet began. 

“Hey, what the hell is all the noise? It’s so late…” The voice belonged to a slightly shorter and blonde haired boy who looked like he was getting a lot of good sleep. Suddenly Jaemin’s envy rose.

“Sorry, Chenle. I’ll be quieter. Just go back to sleep, I can handle this.” Renjun replied. 

Without another word and a simple glance at the new person standing in the room, Chenle turned on his heel and trudged back into the darkened hallway. Renjun froze for a couple seconds until he heard the door of his roommates room close and let out a breath he was holding in. He was no longer as tense as before but he defiantly wasn’t as comfortable as he like to be.

Jaemin watched as the older boy side stepped him to go to the kitchen, grabbing a pale green kettle from beside the stove and turn to the sink to fill it up. He didn’t bother to watch the younger fellow, he knew now that he couldn’t hurt a fly with those tired eyes.

“Would you like some tea? Maybe it’ll help you sleep.” Renjun muttered enough for him to hear. He nodded politely, though he didn’t really understand what the other said until a couple seconds later. Truth be told he never had tea, it was always coffee and energy drinks to keep him up during the day and hopefully make him tired enough to sleep during the night. Sadly these methods never worked.

Silently, Jaemin shuffled his way to the other side of the counter while he watched the stranger place the teapot on the burner and turn around to face him. Jaemin thought it was weird how much he like the look of Renjun’s face; he had just met the guy!

He finally got the courage to speak up with great shame and ask, “What does tea taste like?” 

Renjun’s eyes widened like when he had seen him for the first time. His face broke out into an incredulous smile and he reached up to run a steady hand through his hair.

“You don’t know what tea tastes like? That’s kinda sad.” He laughed, shaking his head as he made his way to the small space where a single couch was set up. 

The other boy didn’t bother replying, he felt ashamed of himself. He should have kept his mouth shut. 

The minutes that followed were silent yet loud like ringing in both their ears. They had nothing to talk about and the situation was still weird and unnatural for both of them. Jaemin wondered why Renjun had even bothered to make him tea and why he wasn’t pushing him out the door right about now. He figured it was because he felt sorry for him. They always do. And he hated it.

When the tea had finished, Renjun got up to fill two small mugs and place a spoon in each one before setting them both on the glass coffee table in front of the couch. He didn’t think it would be smart to give Jaemin a hot cup when he could barely take in his condition. 

But once the boy took a few light sips, his shoulders relaxed and his mind began to swim. He felt oddly at home and he liked the new feeling. Renjun also didn’t feel as bothered so much because he felt like he was doing the right thing. Even though offering his apartment to an outsider was weird, he still liked the company. Not to mention there was something about Jaemin that he enjoyed but didn’t exactly know what it was. 

The two spent the next hour rambling on about any and everything. They talked about space and how they both believed there was no way Earth could be the only planet with inhabitants on it. One mentioned how he was deathly afraid of worms and the other remarked with a loud laugh and a teasing gesture. At one point one of them started talking about mermaids and somehow that brought them to a debate on how volcanoes are formed.

There was so much talking and laughter and freedom in that single hour; they both felt somehow relieved and almost too tired to continue when it was up. 

By now it was already 3 a.m. and Renjun refused to keep his eyes open. Jaemin felt a bit sleepy himself which came as a surprise to him. Maybe it was something about the way Renjun kept making the conversation more interesting with the way he talked or how the topics never seemed to end with him. He liked that. 

His eyes found the dreaded red numbers that appeared on the nearby digital clock in the kitchen.

3:10 am.

His body drooped into the leather of the couch he was seated upon and he drew his knees closer to his chest. Maybe this would be the time he finally found peacefulness and got the sleep he deserved.  
3:11 am.

Don’t fight it, he said to himself. This was one of the best feelings he would have in a long, long time. It was something he had been asking for for the longest time and it seemed to him like Renjun gave him that gift. He would make sure to thank him some way, somehow. 

3:15 am. 

He didn’t fight it. He let himself go. He allowed himself to sleep. The last thing he could see before he let his eyes close was Renjun’s curled up body peacefully resting beside him. 

Finally, he would get the sleep he had been searching for. 

~

In the morning, all was quiet. Everything laid exactly the same as they were put except something felt off. Renjun sat up in his sleeping position and blinked at the blinding sunlight coming in from the faulty blinds to his right.

Something was missing. And then all of a sudden it occurred to him what it was. 

The body that was beside him when he had gone to sleep was no longer there.

He found himself staring at the digital clock that he placed in the kitchen.

7:32 am.

Jaemin was gone. And the worst part was Renjun didn’t even get to ask his name.


	2. Feeling.

Renjun didn’t see Jaemin for three days after that night. Every time he went to make himself tea or he passed the couch or even sat on it he remembered the way they laughed and had such a good time that it made him upset. He kept telling himself he should get over it because he didn’t even know the other boy’s name; he was a complete stranger. 

But he also knew why he couldn’t just get over it; because Jaemin was the first person to make him feel normal in a long time. Chenle never made him feel as happy as Jaemin did in that full hour and they had been roommates for a year now.

Renjun almost felt bad for himself. How could he let someone like that get to him? And would he even see that boy again? 

It was stupid to hope but he didn’t care. 

On the fourth day he sat on his couch with his knees drawn up to his chest tightly. He tried to look at anything but the clock; the table, the books, the walls, the door.   
The door he wanted Jaemin to knock on right about now. As the minutes passed he became increasingly upset with himself for wishing for something this much but what could he do?

He was so submerged in his thoughts he almost thought he was dreaming when a soft knock sounded from the door. Renjun’s eyes shot to the nearby clock that read 1:58 am. 

Last time he checked it was only 12.

He sprang up from his spot on the bed and shuffled quickly to the door, not even hesitating to swing it open. He was met with the same drowsy eyes under the same hoodie he had seen days ago. This time Jaemin was holding grocery bags in his hands and he had on smiley face pajama pants with a worn pair of sneakers. 

“Hi,” Renjun muttered in a slight daze. 

The other boy didn’t say anything; he just stared for a good thirty seconds before his face broke out in the widest smile Renjun had ever seen. It was as if his lips could take up his entire face if he tried hard enough. 

“Hello, we meet again.”

Without warning, Jaemin side-stepped Renjun into the apartment, walking over to the familiar leather couch nearby. He set his full bag down before turning back to the other boy, gesturing for him to join the table as well. Renjun looked slightly relieved and a bit confused as well but nonetheless, he closed the door and made his way to the seating area. 

“I was on my nightly walk,” Jaemin began. “And I noticed a gas station right by your apartment building. Usually I just go where my feet tell me but I got really hungry since I haven’t eaten all day so… I hope you don’t mind. I also brought a few books of mine so we’ll have more to talk about.” 

Renjun kept his eyes locked on his face, taking in the structure of it when he talked. He liked the way Jaemin’s voice sounded so soothing and he really felt like he could fall asleep to it. But that was for a different time.

This was one of the rarest times Jaemin ever dared to talk this much. 

“Also, if you were wondering, my name is Jaemin.” He blurted, locking his gaze on Renjun for his reaction.

The older boy grinned to himself, nodding in wonder as he peeked into the bag of goodies and pulled out a single pack of strawberry shortcakes. Jaemin watched him curiously as he opened it up with ease and took a small bite, plopping down on the couch beside him.

“Well, Jaemin, this is good. What else do you have in there?” He asked, waving his hand at the bag.

Jaemin sat down as well and pull out the rest of the snacks, laying them all out before turning to look at him, holding a small stack of books in his hand. He held them out and mumbled, “My books.” As if he was embarrassed. 

Renjun nodded and took the one off the top of the stack, flipping through it cautiously. The other boy froze as he watched his reaction to all the pictures and sloppily drawn notes and poems that were in random places on almost every page of the small notebook. 

He made remarks about them, complimenting Jaemin’s artistry and at complete awe of his mind. He liked that he trusted him with his works even though they were still unknown to one another. 

It then occurred to him that he still didn’t know the others name and he suddenly sat up without warning. When his head rose, he noticed that Jaemin was leaning in really close to him while he was reading and that he was still really close. Close enough to touch foreheads.

Renjun swallowed, “I like the way you write. Your handwriting… it’s nice.” 

Wow, what a wonderful way to start a conversation. 

Jaemin let a gentle smile play on his lips as he watched Renjun’s cheeks lighten with embarrassment. He he found his easy embarrassment very amusing; this was the most fun Jaemin’s had in weeks. 

“Thank you. Most people find it hard to read though. Did you have any trouble reading it, Renjun?” He finally answered, his eyes never leaving the others.   
The older boy moved his mouth as if he was about to say something but didn’t quite know what. He hated how flustered he was right then. 

“A little bit. But that’s okay, it’s just pretty to look at.” He uttered, still trying to look at least a little bit normal. 

A gentle laugh erupted from Jaemin’s throat at his response, nodding back as his amusement grew.

“You’re cute.” 

Renjun’s face nearly lit on fire. He had to look away to hide it and almost excused himself to go to the bathroom before he had some kind of panic attack right then and there. How the hell could Jaemin be so cool about this? Was he flirting? Did Renjun even know what flirting was?

These awkward instances ensued for almost two weeks. Jaemin would show up every few days --mostly Thursdays-- and they would continue their random conversations and drink their awful tea and playfully argue about things that never mattered. 

Occasionally one of them would push the others shoulder or laugh so hard he topple into the others chest and vice versa. There were always small comfortable touches here and there as if they were trying to comfort each other. 

It wasn’t until the third week that things began to pick up. Signals were made and the goodnight wishes were harder to make. Renjun had become accustomed to waking up at a certain time to say goodnight to Jaemin before he would be off for a few more days and their routines were a part of them now.

It was a Thursday and the two had just finished laughing over a puzzle they didn’t understand. Minutes passed and none of them said a word as they allowed their laughter to die down.

And then there they sat, staring at each other for several minutes. None of them dared to break the silence for fear of what could happen if they did. It was a comfortable silence though, the kind that makes your mind blank and helps you reflect. Except Renjun was panicking on the inside and Jaemin was thinking about how pretty he looked and if anyone saw them in that moment their thoughts would be so obvious. 

With every second that flew by they seemed to move closer to one another. Their eyes did most of the speaking for them and even their hands seemed to want to speak. 

After a few more agonizing minutes, Renjun’s hand finally found Jaemin’s between them and he broke the stare to look down at their joined hands. He let out a short laugh and shook his head in disbelief, raising his head back to Jaemin.

“This is nice. This is always nice. Even though we should probably be sleeping right now, I like your company. I like you.” He blurted, not even bothering to hide himself.

Jaemin blinked silently. He didn’t think Renjun actually felt this way; there was no way he could care about him like that. And as cheesy as it sounded, everything he said made sense. When they talked that night Jaemin had felt a piece of his difficult puzzle come together and then everything else followed suit; it made him the happiest he’s been in a long time. 

But he had to keep reminding himself that they almost nothing lasted and that this superficial friendship would be what hurts him the most. The best highs have the worst lows. 

Nevertheless, he couldn’t keep himself from agreeing wholeheartedly. He knew Renjun was genuine in what he said and he felt the exact same.

“I like you too. People spend a lot of time looking for what they’ve lost and they find it in the weirdest situations. I thi—“   
Renjun cut him off with a kiss. He let his mind take over and did exactly what he had wanted to do since their third night together; he did exactly what they both wanted. 

And for once in his life, Jaemin felt at his best. He felt like sleep was just an object that was within his reach at all times. He felt that for every pain that led up to this moment, it was entirely worth it. 

Renjun made his worries and problems and sadness go away with a single kiss. It was fast and genuine and full of complete understanding. It was Jaemin’s first kiss, and he hoped Renjun would also be his last.

~  
They continued on like before, only this time there were stolen kisses and happy hugs and their goodbyes got harder and harder each night. They never wanted to leave each other but they knew it was routine and they wouldn’t dare break that.

They had both came to understand what it was to let go of anxiety and soak in every moment together. They had cute arguments, solved weird puzzles, laughed at dumb sitcoms and helped build each other up at the earliest hours of the day. Jaemin had finally found the best part of himself.

It truly felt as if there was nothing that could hurt Jaemin now. That is until something drove him back into his shell. 

And that something came in the form of abandonment.


	3. Chapter 3: Heartless

The apartment was half empty. Everything Jaemin could recognize as Mark’s stuff was missing.

At first, he just stood there in between the living room and tiny kitchen and took in the bareness of his surroundings. And then he started panicking. It came in waves of first anger and then sadness. To say he was upset would be the understatement of the year.

He picked up the little wooden coffee table near the couch only to slam it back down as tears brimmed in his eyes. His hands began to tremble uncontrollably as his eyes continued to take in everything that was gone. Everything he once had no matter how much he overlooked it.

And to make matters worse, he could clearly remember the promise Mark had made the week after they moved in together. Believe it or not Jaemin and Mark used to be the best of friends. They moved in after 3 years of knowing each other and when Mark finally became an adult Jaemin thought it was about time for him to grow up to. Mark had taught Jaemin so much; things he thought about nearly every day. Mark was the person that Jaemin thought he could count on for life, but apparently he was wrong.

The promise Mark had made Jaemin was that he would never leave and that he would always look out for Jaemin whenever he could. Of course Mark kept his word but throughout the months they had been living together, their bond declined and it seemed Mark was less eager to be by Jaemin’s side.

Before he could stop himself Jaemin stepped over to the house phone, picking up the receiver and held it to his ear with unstable hands. He didn’t know if he wanted to call Mark now but he didn’t know what else to do. Before he could though, he slammed the phone back down and pressed the button that read his messages. The phone beeped for a moment before announcing he had one message. His eyes seemed to become blurrier as the message began.

“Hi Jaemin, its Mark. I can’t express how sorry I am that I left I just… I didn’t feel comfortable and I knew I couldn’t face you so I freaked out and packed up while you were gone last night. I figured ever since you came home all happy and whatnot that you wouldn’t even mind it if I left. Anyway, I’m staying with Ten for the time being. I just can’t be around you right now, I’m really sorry. Love you. Bye.”

That’s all; a distant message and no explanation as to why he left. Jaemin felt betrayed, cold and almost like his body was going to drop any minute. It almost didn’t even make sense anymore, like he was living some kind of dream right then. 

The only thing he could think to do was go back to Renjun’s house. How could he stand to spend the rest of the day here in such a dead apartment when it only reminded him of what he lost? It also made him question what he could lose in the near future if he wasn’t careful and that scared him the most.

So he turned on his heel and headed back for the door, leaving the dull apartment even emptier. He easily found his way back to Renjun, and even ran half the way there. By now he was more than just awake; he didn’t think he could sleep for awhile after what just happened. But he also knew Renjun would help change his mind. 

He stood in front of Renjun’s door and brought his hand up to knock when he stopped himself. He could hear the voice of Chenle through the door and it seemed as if he was arguing with Renjun about something. 

“Are you guys actually seeing each other? Seriously? I thought we talked about that.” Chenle said, sounding irritated.

Renjun took a moment to answer. “I know, I know. But he makes it kind of hard. I really enjoy my time with him Chenle, you can’t make me give that u-“

“Either he goes or I go, Renjun. We had a deal and I can’t just let you throw that away for some weirdo who showed up at our doorstep at midnight.” 

“Chenle, please—“

“No, I’m serious. I’ve put up my end of the promise, and it isn’t fair that you aren’t putting up yours.”

The other boy couldn’t respond; he knew Chenle was right. By this time the silence was engulfing the room, and all Jaemin could hear was the sound of footsteps nearing the door. Jaemin couldn’t move; it was like he was awkwardly frozen in place. His mind told him to run but his feet were planted. Right then, the front door swung open and Chenle stepped out, bumping directly into Jaemin and still he didn’t dare to move. When Chenle looked up, his eyes narrowed and he took a step back to regain himself. 

“Wonderful,” he muttered under his breath and pushed past the frozen boy. 

Renjun’s eyes lifted from the floor. He looked like he was going to cry the second his eyes landed on Jaemin. He got up from the couch and stepped over to him, pulling him out of the doorway and into the apartment. His hand slid down to entwine with Jaemin’s, and the taller boy seemed to relax now. 

“Chenle’s upset if you couldn’t tell.” Renjun said after a bit more silence. The older boy nodded his head, his eyes fixed on their joined hands with interest. 

“Why’s he mad; because of us?” He asked, squeezing Renjun’s smaller hand in his. It felt nice to have some comfort after everything seemed to be falling apart right in front of him.

All the shorter boy could do was nod; he didn’t want to put it into words just yet. He knew he’d have to do something eventually but maybe he could push it off for as long as possible. He also thought it was unfair of Chenle to ask him to choose between two of the most important people in his life right then. He knew a good friend wouldn’t make him choose but he also knew Chenle was the greatest friend a person could have. 

So why was it so difficult to pick him?

“I don’t want to think about that right now. Why are you here anyway? Not that I mind but, its 11 in the morning.” Renjun’s words sounded broken up and disinterested as he took a seat where he was before, still keeping his grip on Jaemin’s hand. He pulled him down to sit beside him and avoided eye contact as the boy explained himself.

“Mark left. I don’t know why exactly but when I got there all of his things were gone.” He muttered, taking in a sharp breath of air. “He left me a voicemail saying he’s staying with his other friend ‘cause he can’t be around me right now. I think I had a panic attack and thought to come here, but I guess it’s a bad time right now.”  
Renjun’s eyes widened as the news dawned on him, and he finally forced himself to look at Jaemin. “He left? And never even said why? But what about the—“

“The promise?” Jaemin interjected, “I guess there isn’t much of a promise anymore.” 

For a moment, none of them said anything. It was still and a comfortable silence lingered over them. Renjun was thinking of how to keep both the people he loved in check and Jaemin was still on the edge about calling Mark for an answer. They knew they agreed not to talk about it but they were forced to face it.  
Both boys knew they had problems and as much as they wanted to help each other, they couldn’t bring themselves to. 

Finally, one of them spoke up.

“I think you should go,” Renjun’s tone sounded slightly wavered but firm in that he had finally figured out what he wanted. What he and Jaemin shared was nice, yes, but Chenle was someone Renjun depended on for so long. They were together through thick and thin and it wasn’t right of Renjun to throw that away for someone like Jaemin. It wasn’t until Jaemin pulled away that Renjun realized he had been saying all this out loud. 

“Someone like me? What is that even supposed to mean?” The boy pushed off the couch and stood in front of him, to which Renjun followed suit, his hands fidgeting with one another. “I really sat here and told you all my fears, gave you almost every bit of myself that I could and you just think I’m some crazy boy right?” Jaemin’s face was a red blotchy mess, the way it got when he was ready to burst into tears. As angry as he was he was sadder that someone he found so special would think of him like this. 

“That’s not what I’m saying, Jae, I just mean it’s not okay for us to continue this anymore. It’s unhealthy and as lovely as it was, it’s really putting a strain on Chenle and I’s friendship. You need professional help, Jae, I can’t give you that.” He whispered, reaching out to touch his hand once again. 

The boy recoiled at his touch, his face growing redder by the second. “It may not have been professional but it helped. I know how much of a burden I am, Renjun, but I can’t just throw this away because someone doesn’t understand that we need each other!” He pushed his tone a bit louder, his fists pressed into his sides as they shook.

Renjun heaved a big sigh, his mind tumbling with words to say to get rid of this situation quicker. “Jaemin. I think you needed me more than I needed you.” 

Jaemin froze. He stared at the boy like he had grown another head. Clearly they were on completely different pages and even though Renjun didn’t fully mean it, it defiantly sounded like he did. Jaemin truly thought they had shared an equal shoulder, that they both had problems and needed each other to get out of the holes they had dug for themselves. Clearly he was mistaken.

He didn’t stay to hear what else would come out of Renjun’s mouth; he knew it would break him anyways. So he turned without a glance back, and walked away from the boy that brought him nothing but happiness; the boy that could break his heart again and again and he would still want him by his side.


End file.
